My Cousins, Woody and Willie

This is a short introduction to two people that I am supposedly related to. It includes a bit about each person and then a little surprise at the end entitled “My Favorite Cousin.”




My Cousin Woodie
You would likely know my cousin Woodie better as Thomas Woodrow Wilson, the 28th President of the United States, who served in that capacity from 1913 to 1921.

Here’s how cousin Woodie is supposedly related to me: Antonet Wilson was, I think, my mother’s mother’s mother, or my great-grandmother. It was actually she who gave my mother the name of Trumon because she had been fond of some boy or other, whose name was Truman, and she thought that Trumon, spelled with an “o”, would be a nice name for a little girl. I’m not sure that my mother ever forgave her for that. Anyway, Great-Grandmother Antonet was supposedly first cousin to Woodrow Wilson. I have not yet verified this, but, until I find out differently, I will continue to refer to him as my cousin Woodie, although, as you will later see, I would just as soon we not be related.

One of the truly interesting things about my cousin Woodie’s presidency was how it happened in the first place. You see, Theodore Roosevelt, one of the progenitors of the Progressive Movement in the United States, had been President from 1901 to 1909. Then, he decided to actually keep his promise that he would not run for another term as President and so gave it up. Some people think that he never actually intended to give it up altogether but just wanted to take an extended vacation in Africa while making it appear that he was honoring his pledge. Win-win for him. So he turned the country over to his hand-picked successor, William Howard Taft, who became President in 1909. Apparently, Taft was so far up Teddy’s … I mean … he was such a staunch Roosevelt man that it became quite the joke that T-A-F-T actually stood for “Taking Advice From Teddy.” So, everything was now hunky-dory. The country was in the hands of Roosevelt’s man, Taft, and Teddy was free to pack up and head for Africa to shoot a whole bunch of very large animals. Contrary, though, to what Teddy probably thought, not everyone was a fan, and it was said that many prominent people were heard to quietly pray that every lion should do his duty.

There was, however, just the tiniest little problem with this cozy and convenient arrangement – stupid old Taft actually thought that he was a bit more than just a place-holder for Teddy. So, in 1912, after Teddy had returned from his nice African vacation, freshly invigorated and with not a scratch upon him, a small difference of opinion ensued. You see, Teddy fully expected that Taft would just dump the whole thing back in his lap, by refusing to run for a second term, and say “Thank you, master, for allowing me to hold it for you”, but, instead, poor deluded Taft refused. Imagine that! The man actually thought that he was the President. So, Taft naturally felt that it was his duty to carry the Republican standard into the next election.

Our buddy Teddy was understandably taken aback by Taft’s inconvenient lapse in rationality, not to mention loyalty and gratitude, but not for long. Ultimately, Teddy did what all good little megalomaniacs do – he convinced himself that he alone was the savior of this country, if not the entire galaxy, maybe the universe, that the country would soon come to see that, and that he could, therefore, easily win a third party race. Well, long story short, the people were not so easily convinced of Teddy’s omnipotence, and the resulting dog fight injured the Republican party so badly and split the Republican vote such that, not only did Democrat cousin Woodie waltz into the White House standing up, without even breathing hard or having to brush the dust from his pristine three-piece suit, but the Democrats also won large victories in both houses of Congress so as to take control of that body as well. And that’s how my cousin Woodie, a bespectacled, well-dressed but big-eared academic from New Jersey, became President of the United States. Unfortunately, history would later repeat this regrettable sequence of events when another megalomaniac, Ross Perot, would mount a third party candidacy, split the Republican vote once again, and give us President William Jefferson Clinton, a.k.a. “Slick Willie”, whose most memorable line was, or, if it wasn’t, should have been, “I wish I had smoked that damned cigar.”

Some of the things my cousin Woodie did, or had a hand in:

  • The Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) began under cousin Woodie – Its stated goal, as yet unrepudiated, is to eliminate national boundaries and, therefore, the sovereignty of the United States, along with that of all other countries, and establish one-world rule
  • The income tax – the 16th Amendment
  • The Federal Reserve
  • Popular election of Senators – the 17th Amendment
  • Coaxed a previously noninterventionist people into WWI
  • Using WWI as an excuse, stopped Congress from having to vote upon each proposed borrowing and established a so-called debt limit so debt increases would become automatic
  • The Treaty of Versailles, which many people believe paved the way for Hitler
  • A policy of national interventionism
  • The League of Nations – predecessor to the United Nations
  • The Federal Trade Commission
  • Promoted unionism in many ways, including the Clayton Anti-trust Act
  • The Lever Act – gave the president much control over agriculture & food production
  • Prohibition – the 18th Amendment – passed by Congress on Dec 17, 1917 and sent to the states for ratification – gave rise to the era of the Mafia

And that’s my cousin Woodie. As you can see, he was a man of many and varied accomplishments.


My Cousin Willie
You might not so easily recognize my cousin Willie’s name, even though he was pretty famous, too. His full name was William Sutton, but we just call him Willie. Most people, who know of cousin Willie, know him as Willie Sutton, bank robber.

Here’s how cousin Willie is related to me: My Grandmother Moore was my father’s mother. Her maiden name was Sarah Ella Sutton, and Willie was her father’s brother’s boy and her first cousin. Grandmother Moore, a true southern lady, was loath to say anything bad of anyone, especially family, and so used to say of bank-robber cousin Willie, “Willie is a good boy. He just has takin’ ways.”

To his credit, Willie was a gentlemanly criminal who never killed anyone, at least so far as we know. He was most active during the 20’s and 30’s. While he reportedly had many Mafia friends who, for some reason or other, seemed to like having him around in spite of his non-violent character, he reportedly later lamented about the bloodiness of the Capone/Luciano era.

Cousin Willie was unquestionably good at what he did, reportedly stealing more than $2 million from more than 100 banks during his lengthy career at a time when a couple of million bucks would actually buy something. Donald “Tony the Greek” George Frankos, a contract killer who was a friend of cousin Willie’s, once said of cousin Willie that he made legendary bank robbers Jesse James and John Dillinger look like amateurs. While cousin Willie was good, he wasn’t perfect and wound up spending more than half of his adult life as a guest of the federal government in one resort facility or another. Cousin Willie finally tired of the government’s hospitality, though, and decided somewhat late in life to turn over a new leaf and actually go straight, although I have to wonder just how he would have had any idea how to do that? Anyway, cousin Willie actually wound up working for the FBI, believe it or not, in bank robbery prevention.

Ironically, in spite of the high level of competence that cousin Willie exhibited in practicing his chosen profession, he is probably best remembered for something that he actually never did, or rather a statement that he more than likely never made. When he was supposedly asked why he robbed banks, he reportedly replied, “Because that’s where the money is.” It’s a great quote that we hear over and over still today. The trouble is, that whole story was apparently made up by some reporter who decided to exercise creative license and juice up one of his (wink-wink) “news” stories. If this reporter were still around today, he would undoubtedly be working for MSNBC or CNN, where all of the reporters are encouraged to be creative.

So, that’s my cousin Willie – a good boy who “just had takin’ ways.”


My Favorite Cousin
My cousin Woodie put into place during his reign as Dear Leader much of what is today being used to push this great republic over the cliff into the abyss of socialismi – from the list above, things such as:

  • The income tax
  • The Federal Reserve
  • Popular election of senators
  • The policy of national interventionism
  • The League of Nations, forerunner to the United Nations
  • The Council on Foreign Relations, dedicated to a one-world government
  • and more

My cousin Woodie, bless his black little heart, was an arrogant, evil, and megalomaniacal S.O.B. who spouted Bible quotes while pushing a collectivist agenda that was totally against the Judeo-Christian values that this country was founded upon. He was a near Anti-Christ who used the siren’s song of security to entice formerly independent-minded Americans into his web of socialistic thinking, leading them down the primrose path to dependency and thereby burning the mark of the beast into their very souls. Oh, and did I mention that cousin Woodie, like the supremely evil Fabian Socialist George Bernard Shaw, was a fan of eugenics? If you want to know what evil personified is, look that word up.

Even considering the White House’s present tenant (Barack Hussein Obama), my cousin Woodie is, in my mind anyway, without the slightest hint of a doubt, the most evil man to ever occupy the office of President of the United States, while my cousin Willie, on the other hand, was merely a likable and gentlemanly bank-robber – a good boy who just had takin’ ways.

So, who do you think is my favorite cousin?

Jere Moore
Jere Moore has been blogging about political matters since 2008. His posts include commentary about current news items, conservative opinion pieces, satirical articles, stories that illustrate conservative principles, and posts about history, rights, and economics.