Global warming? (Yawn) That’s so yesterday. Here’s the real problem…
Global warming? That’s so yesterday. Here’s the real problem: My calculations prove conclusively that the sky will fall! No, really!
Whew! I have just completed months of exhaustive and comprehensive calculations, using my own complex formula along with just mounds and mounds of empirical data, and the inescapable conclusion – plain as the nose on your face – is that the sky will fall in the very near future. Yep, that’s right. It will. We’re in deep doo doo this time, I reckon. The good news is that we still have time to save the planet. How? Easy. All we have to do is cover it with a huge polycarbonate bubble held aloft by atmospheric pressure. Simple. That will give us plenty of time to find a way to fix the sky problem. See my pretty graph? Impressive, huh? I call it a hickory stick, because hickory trees always point at the sky, you see, and that clearly indicates where the problem is.
So, you say that oak trees point at the sky, too? And walnut trees, and pine trees, and maple trees, and poplar trees . . . So, stop naming trees, already. I get it. And thanks for pointing it out. Every single tree on the entire planet is pointing at the sky like billions of ancient sages wagging their wise fingers toward the problem as if to say, “When are you going to do something?” Brilliant! I only wish I had thought of it first. Now, about that bubble . . .
What? Expensive, you say? Naturally. Hugely expensive. Insanely expensive, actually, but, hey, we can’t afford not to, right? We must act and act now! Oh, by the way, have you heard that I’m coming out with a video that explains the whole thing? I am. It’s called “An Insanely Expensive, But Entirely Accurate Because I Say So, Truth“. Watch for it at theaters near you. Take the whole family. Take the kiddies, and show them how the sky is going to fall on them and make them into little bloody kiddie-cakes. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, the sky is going to fall, and we need to build this bubble thing. Like the good shee…uh…citizens you are, you’ll support the higher taxes necessary to fund it, right?
Huh? How high? Oh, just 70 or 80 percent of everything you have and make, that’s all. Okay, maybe 90%, but I’m absolutely certain it won’t go any higher than 95% ,or 96 or 97, and you have my word on that.
That would kill the economy, you say? (Darn that Glenn Beck!) Well, that’s certainly an unproved allegation. How do you know it would kill the economy? Have you ever seen the economy killed before? Have you ever seen any economy killed before? I didn’t think so. For all you know, it might help it. Anyway, what’s going to happen to your precious economy if one of those pretty sunsets falls on it, hmmmmm? So, let’s not descend into rank speculation, okay? The sky is going to fall, period! Don’t you get it? Are you imbeciles? Geez! What do I have to do? I’m surrounded by foo . . . Oh, sorry. Just talking to myself.
What do you mean you want to think about it? Are you nuts? Don’t be blithering, drooling, bug-eyed idiots. My calculations show that the sky is going to fall, and, if I say it, then it’s fact. You’d have to be retarded neanderthals to want to delay, even a little.
So, you’ll consider it, then? Great. You’re good sheep – I mean citizens. But don’t tarry. Go outside and take a look upward, and then imagine what it might feel like if what you see were to come crashing down upon your noggin.
Only what? Only you want to see the formula that I used? Release it, you say? Sorry, mate. Don’t believe I will. It’s mine, you know. I invented it. Came wight out of my smart wittle head, and, quite fwankly, I mean frankly, I’m the only person on the entire planet who is smart enough to use it. So, you see, it wouldn’t do you any good at all. It would be kind of like giving a super computer to a tumble bug and expecting it to design a working fusion reactor. You do understand, right? Nothing personal, right? So, you got nothing upstairs – nothing cookin’ so to speak – big deal. You can’t help how hopelessly dumb you are, so no reason to feel bad about it, okay? That’s why you’ve got me. I’m here, and everything’s going to be all right. Now, as you were saying . . .
And, you want to see the data that I used in my calculations so that it can be independently verified? Darn! You should have asked me last week. You see, we had this little accident, and, well, it’s gone, okay? Oh, well. Sorry ’bout that.
When did the accident happen? Tomorrow. No, I mean yesterday. It happened yesterday. Yeah, that’s right – yesterday. But what do you need with all that dull, musty old data, anyway, when you have the results? The data is contained within the results, and, if you have the results, then you have the data, right? Sure, you do! Now, when do we start on that bubble? Time’s a-wastin’.
By the way, did I mention that I just happen to belong to an investment consortium that has acquired most of the polycarbonate factories in the world? It is my civic duty to see that there is plenty available at the right price. Just doin’ my part, right? Okay, now, when do we start on that bubble, hmmmm? When, when, when?
Silly, you say? Unrealistic? No one would ever listen to that kind of crazy nonsense, right? No such boondoggle could ever get off the ground, because people are too smart to be manipulated like that, right?
We-e-e-l-l-l-l-l-l, m-m-m-m-maybe. Then again, maybe not. I submit for your scholarly consideration, the case of (so-called) global warming. If you’ve been following the incredible Climategate scandal, then the above undoubtedly sounds all too familiar.